It has been two months of bed rest and no driving of my vehicle. This means limited amount of time shopping, going out with friends or swinging by my favorite stores to pop in and get some retail therapy.
Every trip out of the house is assisted with driving and is mapped out and even some stores on the list don’t get stopped at because I am too exhausted.
No matter how much I rest, it is never enough.
I am leaning on friends and family to take me to doctor’s appointments because my husband works long, relentless hours during the summer. While I am so grateful for their support, I miss being independent enough to drive myself.
Often times I find myself just frustrated.
I am able to get up and do about two chores a day. I miss being able to clean my home in 1 hour rather than a whole week. I miss driving to the store any time that I need to.
I kept in all of the emotions for two months until yesterday…then the dam of tears broke free.
Then I could not stop crying. The unchecked tears flowed as I reached out to my friends for support. I needed them to know I am often that fighting champion that is positive, but there are just some days that I can’t do it alone.
I went for more testing yesterday…my body was shutting down making the testing almost impossible. I tried so hard and fought to keep the strength up to finish the testings needed.
I managed to finish and the nursing staff felt terrible for me. They knew I was trying hard but my body would fight against everything they tried to do.
Needless to say, I was mad at my body. My mind was strong so why wasn’t my body performing to its commands?! I refused to let my tears get the best of me, but a few did escape as I sat there in my patient gown…irritated to the core.
My conversation with myself was some tough love, it went a little something like this: “I am an independent woman who fights to live..how dare you give up on me now! While you have breath in your system you will do as I command! Is that clear?”
It listened and functioned enough for me to get home and crawl underneath the safe covers on my bed.
I have wanted to write about my journey but each time the words just did not flow.
In my mind, this is how the article would flow….”Here is a woman who is fashioning her life to live it gorgeously versus a woman who is fashioning her mind to make her body to work. The latter is much less glamourous. The end.”
This is a part of the glamorous journey that was unexpected. The point is to keep moving.foward.every.single. day.
I guess what I am trying to tell us is that it is okay to rest. These days our fighting IS getting a few chores or exercises done a day.
Tears do not make us weaker, they are just an outward expression of the warrior within making an amazing effort to fight the good fight.
Knowing that God is with us is such a comfort during these times but even He allows us to weep.
He knows what it is like to weep. In John 11:35 it says, “Jesus wept.”
God is still writing my story and that brings me immense joy.
So whether my story is glamorous, or in the trenches fighting for the quality of life, He goes before me, writing with the edges of a sharpened pencil the outcome of my life.
We don’t have to worry about the outcome if we give Him our lives. He knows what is best and that is great with me.
I just want God to know that with every breath that He gives me, whether they are spent in bed rest or running a marathon ( one of my goals), every time He breathes into my lungs will I praise Him and fight for the life He blessed me with.
As for wanting to drive again…I believe I will get there.
My goals while on bed rest is to make the most of the time that I do feel good enough to complete things on my to-do list.
Breathe in..breathe out. This is the journey.
What are your challenges lately? Have you ever been on bed rest? Share in the comments below, I would love to hear from you! I am honored that you are here on The Fashioned Woman!
Live Life, Beautifully.